It’s Easter weekend and it has left me pondering the crucifixion day and all that it entailed.
Jesus desperately wanted the task before him to be removed. “Father, take this cup from me.” but He longed that the Father’s will be done above all. So he endured…
He was beaten for my shame, pierced for my pride, my fear, my doubts, my unbelief, my transgressions and my iniquities. He was mocked and said nothing. He was nailed to a cross. NAILED … through his flesh onto wooden logs. It wasn’t just a court case gone wrong, or the brutality of man against the innocent. It was the wrath of God being poured out on Him…because HE became sin. He didn’t just take it on. He knew no sin, but BECAME sin. God’s wrath poured out…exhausted on HIM, for me.
For me to live, for me to be free, for me to have life abundant, for me to have restored relationship with the Father. For the glory of God to be displayed more abundantly than ever imagined. For me, For His glory to be magnified through grace.
He was in agony. Agony in the physical pain he endured, and agony in his spirit as he was separated entirely from the Father. For that one moment in all eternity, Jesus and the Father were not together. He was up there, on that cross, completely alone during those hours of darkness.
My LORD and King, laid down his life, his dignity, his deity. No one took it from Him, no one forced His hand. He was always in control.
The earth quaked, the sky grew dark, The Father was silent, satan saw victory in his grasp, death seemed to be winning…and hope seemed distant.
When I think about all these things, and all that I did to put him on that cross, my heart is overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at how He still loves me, though I run from him time and time again. Overwhelmed that He is jealous for my affections, that He pours out blessing on me. I’m speechless at His love and His grace. That’s grace unmatchable, unstoppable.
Friday must have been such a sad dark day, yet because I know Sunday is coming, I can call it good. It was very good that my God made a way where there was no way. It is VERY good that He pardoned my sentence. It is good that He endured the cross, scorning it’s shame….and it is very good that Sunday is coming!
Wednesday
today’s scripture reading: Amos 5:21-24
I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
your assemblies are a stench to me.
Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
I will have no regard for…
it’s Super Bowl week…and so i will post daily scripture readings and prayers that i have received from Love146. because the Super Bowl will be played out in our city this weekend, the unfortunate and disgusting trafficking of women and children for sexual exploitation has probably already begun….
when i read this, i knew i had to sign the petition: ”According to the Dallas Police Department children exploited through sex trafficking have an average life expectancy is just seven short years. The average age a child is tricked and trapped in sexual slavery is just 13 years old. These children are beaten, brutalized and tortured for the profit and pleasure of others.”
Well, it’s Christmas eve and I’m with my family, cozy in my sweats, finishing up A Christmas Story, after a great dinner and a christmas eve service with my old church family.
For the first time in a really long time, I got to just go to one christmas eve service and have no responsibility. There were moments in the service, where I just got sad that I don’t do that anymore, or that I’m kind of stuck in this cycle of unemployment and I’m not using my gifts. It’s hard to know what you want, and not have a door open ever. There were also moments where I sat in the service and just rested in my heart, being free to just be there with my sweet family to my right and the precious old man to my left, praising God.
Tonight, I was reminded of a couple of things church. 1) Worship is my calling and my passion. 2) The gospel is powerful and sweet. As I sat in the row with my family who normally isn’t there with me, my heart was overwhelmed at the last year of our lives. Mom with a cancer scare, the loss of dear loved ones, graduation from seminary, and many other exciting,scary and painful things. As the pastor gave his short sermon, he presented the gospel in just a fresh way, and I couldn’t help it. Being the emotional mess I am these days, I just had tears streaming down my face. He was talking about Jesus and how precious it is that on that silent night, God incarnate came to dwell with us, to save us, because he found us to be precious enough and worth enough to give his life in our place. I just was (and still am as I tear up typing it all out) overwhelmed with emotion as I sat there with my typical, broken, bruised, funny, loving, wonderful family. Most probably have no clue the amount of struggle I’ve gone through, as most of it’s been internal, over my last 5 months of unemployment, the health problems i’ve faced, and the spiritual attack i’ve endured. However, it’s there and it weighs on me heavily all the time, every day. Tonight though, the thing that weighed my shoulders wasn’t my heavy burdens, but it was the abundant love of Christ. Tonight, I was overwhelmed with tears because when you are stripped of everything you can possibly place your hope, confidence, or trust in….the gospel is put in it’s appropriate place, and that is a weighty, awesome, fresh reality check.
Today, as I think about that little manger, in the middle of a barn, with a King’s quiet entrance, I’m weeping. It’s all I can do! I’m weeping because my life would be a mess without his quiet entrance, and without his powerful victory. I weep because for the life of me I can find no good thing in me to justify my right for redemption. He is full of every good thing, and I have nothing to bring. He is peace, I am anxiety. His name is power, my name is nothing. His presence is mighty, and mine is weak. Praise HIM, that He has captured me, rescued and redeemed me. He’s all I’ve got right now…and I don’t think that’s bad. It’s a hard, humbling pill to swallow, but it’s good for me. It’s good for me to (for the first time in a long time) know what it feels like to solely rely on the Lord for everything I need, and find my security, strength, and identity in Him. He is literally all my hope and stay now. That’s hard, but so good.
This has been a difficult holiday season for me, but I don’t think it’s one I will be forgetting anytime soon. At least, I will ask God to not let me forget it quickly! This year, the presents under the tree are genuinely paling in comparison to my sweet savior! Merry Christmas everyone!
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:5-8
Today, I’ve been kind of sentimental. I suppose it’s because of my nearly 4 months of unemployment and the fact that I have tons of time on my hands these days. So, instead of sulking in anticipation of the grilling questions about my career future and marital status at family thanksgivings, I am choosing to reflect and put my eyes on the Lord and all He has done. Let’s just say that after reflecting…the song by Garth Brooks “Unanswered Prayers” always comes to my mind. I know it’s not theologically correct, but I’m glad the Lord doesn’t answer the way I ask Him to all the time because, let’s face it, I would work my life into one hot mess if He let me do that!!
I’ve been writing in the same journal for almost a year and a half and I finally finished it! Usually after I write in the last page of a journal, I turn back to the beginning and read through it, remembering my situations and circumstances. I was reminded of my brokenness and desperation before God, the joy when He delivered me, loved me and was faithful among every request I put before Him. It has been truly remarkable. The things that I have asked God for, or thought were His plan for me were…well, sometimes ridiculous!!! I am fascinated at how easily I am swayed to want things that are clearly toxic for me. Somehow, I get it twisted in my head that this could possibly be God’s best for me…and a year later…after tears, anger, frustration…I looked back and realized that I had shrunk God into a powerless deity that I shamelessly hoped I could turn into a genie in a bottle.
Nevertheless, this year, I was blown away by some of the things I had written, and had wanted, and had gotten!! My heart was so encouraged to look back and see God’s hand in the midst of every situation and circumstance. He didn’t rescue me from ever going into a pit, or heartbreak, but He did deliver me out of it and through it. Something I realized is that some of the heartbreak we think is SOOOOO awful, is not even half of what the pain would be if God really did give us what we asked for. It’s good for me to see this since I am in the midst of unemployment, chaotic confusion; a quarter-life crisis I suppose. The Lord is so gracious to always remind me of who He is, but I am super duper quick to forget.
In the past year or so, I have finished a master’s degree, received a clear calling on my life and heard God’s gracious booming voice when I wasn’t listening for a whisper (he knows i don’t listen that well!) . I have had my heart crushed to pieces, some dreams demolished. I’ve had new dreams arise, seen miraculous healing, received miraculous healing, forgiven, and forgotten. I have lost sleep, lost friends. I have gained rest and new relationships. I have found myself and found the Lord in ways I didn’t realize I hadn’t already known Him. I have lost two of the most precious people of my life, and seen new little bundles of joy enter the world. In all these things, God has been good. He is the giver of life, the protector of His children, and sovereign over ALL things. He has given me life, health, and eyes to see His power and presence in all the things I’ve been doing and will do. So today…even in my state of chaotic confusion, spurts of anxiety and stress, with an undefined future in my marital status and career….even in the midst of that all…I will be thankful, I will be humbled, and I will be extremely grateful. Why? Because in the past year, He has reminded me that He knows what He’s doing and His timing is right.
Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the Holiday season!!
For the Silent: a short video on the issue of child sex trafficking and exploitation. a MUST see. if it moves you to donate to team “endure with purpose” as we run “for the silent,” then donate HERE.
These are the promises I’m standing on right now and Lord willing always will be. I heard these words tonight as I was kind of at my wits end, and weeping about a plethora of things going on in my world lately. God is good to shuffle my itunes even to just the right song, with just the right lyrics to encourage my heart and let me know He is near. I’m really grateful for that!! I’m also really grateful for Phil Wickham and his legit tunes with legit lyrics!
IN MY LOVE
Phil Wickham
I have looked you in the eyes
I have seen the tears you cried
I have heard you question why you are here
There is a reason, there’s a plan
There is a God Who understands
He’s got your life inside His hands
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
I know this road is deep
And I know you’re tired and weak
But the God of perfect peace is right here
He is the shelter from the storm
He is the rock forth and secure
He is hope forever more
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
When everything seems out of control
I’m holding on, I won’t let go
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
There is hope tonight
There is everlasting life
Dry away your tears
Coz tomorrow is on the rise
Love will never fail
He will never fail
Warning: This post may be long, serious, and have horrible grammar. I am tired, and jumbled in thought. Good thing this is a blog and not english class!
So the past few months I’ve been looking for a job, wandering aimlessly around, pursuing what I think the Lord is calling me to. I’ve been running into a lot of dead ends, and a lot of “you’re not a man…and you’re not married” (i’m applying at churches in case you didn’t know). I am frustrated, tired, weary, confused, and feeling a little lost at times. I thought things were looking up as I went through the interview process with a church in a land, far far away. This past week I realized, that job wasn’t it…or should I say that they realized it and sent me a nicely worded, warmest regards, rejection email! I was feeling ready to pack my bags and go to this far away state, try something new, begin an adventure!!! The more I reflected, the more I realized that I was more upset about the fact that I didn’t get A job than THIS job. Make sense? I was more upset that I wasn’t going to be taking this new and grand adventure, that God still hasn’t spoken, that I’m still unemployed. I was looking for almost all the things in this job and adventure that I was missing from my time in Kenya back in August. I miss the constant community, the clarity of God’s voice, the purposefulness in each day, each moment, and the sense of adventure. When you’re riding on a motorcycle through the city of Kisumu after just having leapt over the “poopy ditch”, dodged a few drunks in the slum, loved some kids with joy unexplainable in their eyes, and seen God do something crazy awesome…you know you’re living an adventure. In Dallas, the adventure, well, for me is pretty non-existent at the moment! All of that to say, in this time I’ve been struggling. Struggling to hear and see the Lord, struggling to believe in the promises of God, and struggling to find my place in this messy, jacked up world.
This week wore me down, and thursday broke me. I was lying in an MRI machine after having been shocked, poked and prodded in a nerve test (EMG) thinking to myself “Is this what my life has come to!?” Not the best things to think about when you’re lying in a small tube in a giant machine that is so loud, even the piercing tunes of Kiss FM cannot drown it out. A word to the wise, when in an MRI, try to think happy thoughts. I think it usually prevents panic attacks or full on emotional break downs…whatever you want to call it. Yes, for the first time in my life, and my fourth MRI, I had a complete melt down and had to get the nice russian tech lady to get me the heck out of that thing!!! I proceeded to weep on and off for a couple of hours, drank 2 glasses of wine (no complaints about that) and practiced breathing deeply…a lot.
I give you this background, because it paints you a picture of what I was feeling and thinking on the inside. My mind has been consumed with thoughts of failure, fear and frustration. My vision has been clouded with lies from the evil one and I have just flat out not been myself. I went to church tonight with a dear friend, to visit The Village. I love this church, would give my right or left arm to work there and be a part of what they are doing. Now that I am no longer on staff at a church, or serving anywhere, I am looking for a new church home. The Village was first on my list to visit, so I showed up tonight at the Dallas campus, ready for God to move.
Little did I know that this Sunday was Celebration Sunday. In lieu of a sermon, people that are going to get baptized share their testimonies, babies are prayed for and dedicated to the Lord, and worship overflows. At first, I was a little bummed…I needed a sermon (or so I thought).
Through the baptisms, my heart was overwhelmed. People were giving standing ovations, and shouting with joy, clapping till their hearts content, and just overflowing with joy at these new believers and their profession of faith! The people being baptized were some of the most precious individuals ever! Their joy in the Lord is exuding from their life in a way that really I have no words to describe. It was in these quite moments, and the worship that followed, that it hit me…I forgot. I forgot what it means to be saved, what my life was before I met my savior. I just flat out forgot. I have been so miserable and focused on my life, my failure, my plan, my attempts, my pain….I just forgot. Tonight, as we were worshiping…we sang these words “You bring restoration”. It was a song I’ve never heard before, but as we sang it, I began to weep. I was weeping at my sin and the blatant awareness of my depraved mind this week, but I also was weeping as I began to remind myself of where I was, and where He brought me. I wept as I thought about the restoration He has brought, is bringing, and will bring to my life! I cannot believe that I forgot. I was on the edge…ready to cut my life short, and God brought me to the safety zone, and redeemed me, restored me, gave me life and hope and joy. He gave me a new name, He adopted me into His royal family! From darkness to light. The pastor read John 10 as we prepared for communion. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep. He goes to get the ones who are far off. He knows what is best for his sheep. He knows their needs, and they know His voice. He saw me far off…an unhealthy, dying, wandering, lost sheep and he left the 99 in His fold to come get me and carry me into his pasture of goodness. Seriously, how the heck do we forget these things!??!?!
I have had three years of seminary training. My whole life has been one ginormous bible study for those past three years! You claim a scripture, and I can tell you what it means. You ask a tough question, and I know how to find the answer if I don’t already have it. I’ve been growing in my knowledge of the Triune God in insane ways, and at rapid speed. In all that time, no one prepared me for moments like these. Moments where you think “I’m supposed to be the one in ministry….how could I ever forget THIS stuff?!?!” No one prepares you for the intensity of the spiritual battle for your heart, the challenges of being “out there”. No one prepares you to become freshly aware that the christian culture we have created is some kinda jacked up.
This week I had forgotten, but tonight He reminded me. He convicted me, covered me, restored me, refreshed my weary heart, and He reminded me of my own story, like the many I heard tonight. God is hear, He is moving, He is alive! What is He doing in your life??? Do you remember what it was like to be a child of darkness? Do you remember the moment your heart met mercy and grace for the first time? Remind yourself….and then do some clapping, dancing, shouting, and joyful weeping! He is a good, sovereign God!
Here’s to a week of remembering!!! :)
